The fear of not knowing

“Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.” ~Hafiz

There’s nothing like a breast biopsy — or any biopsy — to inspire a list of anxious thoughts. This week, a series of mammograms and an ultrasound showed “abnormal” findings, which prompted the scheduling of the biopsy I had at the hospital yesterday morning. It’s the fourth breast biopsy I’ve had in 30 years, which doesn’t make it much easier.

Several years ago, I wrote a newspaper column about waiting for biopsy results. (It’s included in my book, Writing Home.) In the piece, I talked about the stress of waiting for pathology reports: “When you’re suspended in biopsy limbo, the texture of daily life feels as sheer and fragile as gauze.”

So I was grateful to be scheduled so quickly for this procedure yesterday. Fear keeps me stuck in an endless loop of negative thinking, but positive action of any kind keeps me moving forward.

In the meantime, I’m remembering the many women I’ve known who’ve bravely and successfully battled breast cancer, including my grandmother. And no matter what my own outcome is, I’ll be inspired by their courage. ~CL