Cindy on March 18th, 2011
The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible.” ~Judith Regan
I get annoyed when the terms “anti-aging” and “age-defying” are used to market products to women who are barely out of high school.
Whether I’m thumbing through fashion/lifestyle magazines or surfing channels on TV, I’m bombarded with images of nubile celebrities touting the wonders of wrinkle creams, facial peels, and eye serums. And I rarely see photos of mature women representing my own middle-aged face or body when I browse through mail-order catalogs targeted to my own demographic.
So, I get the message: She who looks youngest wins.
Two years ago, I tried tackling this issue in one of my weekly columns on midlife issues. As a 50-something journalist, I vowed to join the campaign for honest aging. In my column, I promised to celebrate the beauty of graying temples and applaud the infectious charm of laugh lines. I also admitted that I plan to avoid cosmetic surgery (and that I’m terrified of Botox). I know the cliche is as exhausted as I am after a day of caring for my elderly mom, but I’m seriously trying to grow old gracefully.
“Women can look older and fabulous at the same time,” I wrote in the column. And I wasn’t suggesting that middle-aged women ought to give up on their looks. I even disclosed that my own medicine cabinet is an arsenal of anti-aging weapons. (Right now, there’s a back-up tube of Retinol and an outrageously expensive eye cream that promises to perform miracles just short of raising the dead.) But I added that we all need to be more realistic — and that we’d all be happier if we paid less attention to the beauty-and-fashion police.
Days after the column was published, I received many grateful notes and comments from women even younger than I am. But soon enough, my editor — a sharp woman in her twenties — e-mailed a disturbing note of caution.
“We’re getting complaints from plastic surgeons,” the editor warned me. “With so many plastic surgeons and cosmetic salons as our advertisers, it’s really important that we cater to them. So I am asking you to stop writing against face lifts and other cosmetic procedures. You can keep writing about the beauty of midlife, but be sure to say that cosmetic surgery is a good option.”
It was the first time in my 25 years as a columnist that I’d been told to alter or censor my editorial opinions. I was miffed – but not totally surprised. Though I’d learned years ago in journalism school that it’s unethical for editors to allow advertisers to drive their editorial content, experience has taught me that many publications – especially women’s magazines – are highly influenced by advertising dollars. The editor who scolded me was simply trying to keep her job.
At 56, I hope to keep working and writing as long as there are markets open to me. I’d like to use my years of experience to enhance the quality of life for other women my age. Yet I know it won’t be easy to write honestly about aging in a culture that worships at the temple of youth. Meanwhile, it’s worth remembering that the “advice” you read in most beauty and fashion magazines is barely skin deep, if not totally inspired or supported by advertising dollars. – Cindy La Ferle
–A different version of this column originally appeared in the Oakland Press. Photos by Cindy La Ferle–
Cindy on February 26th, 2009
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were? — Satchel Paige
Whether we use Nice ‘n Easy to hide our graying temples or refuse to show our drivers’ licenses, most of us secretly hope to appear younger than we are. But why is it so hard for smart women to age honestly? Last month, I polled several of my middle-aged female friends and colleagues, asking if they lie about their age. Since I promised not to use their real names, the answers that came back to me were candid â and as eye-opening as Olay’s best anti-wrinkle serum. Read more in this week’s MIDPOINT column in The Oakland Press.
Cindy on June 16th, 2008
Joni Hubred-Golden, editor of the Michigan Women’s Forum online, recently invited me to be a regular columnist on her site. Titled Middle of the Road, my new monthly column focuses on topics and issues of special interest to women at midlife — everything from facing the empty nest to aging gracefully in a youth-obsessed culture. The first column was posted last week. As always, I welcome your comments and suggestions! –CL
Cindy on April 1st, 2008
Dear D.: Your 50th is coming up this month. Rather than send you a bunch of black balloons and one of those dumb cards with a joke about adult diapers, I’m writing you a letter with some advice. I offer it with a full heart and the seasoned experience of someone who’s all of three years older than you are.
There’s no denying that 50 is a landmark birthday. A turning point. The Big One. Over the next few weeks, you’ll be paying more attention to the mirror in your bathroom. Reading your face like a road map, you’ll scrutinize your eyelids and check the skin around your cheekbones. You might notice, for the first time, a couple of age spots that can’t quite pass as freckles. You’ll wonder if your jaw line isn’t as sharp as it used to be.
As soon as I turned 50, I noticed for the first time that even my hands were starting to look like a topographical survey. Today, the pale blue veins over my knuckles are more prominent now, and the skin is etched with fine lines and small valleys. But I’m really OK with all of this — and you will be, too.
Just before my 50th birthday, I remembered the lyrics from âMiles from Nowhere,â an old Cat Stevens song I loved when I was in high school:
Lord, my body, it’s been a good friend,
But I won’t need it when I reach the end.
After all these years, my body has been a very good friend. It endured years of ballet and highland dancing classes. Its knees were skinned and bruised countless times. Its tonsils were removed; it was hit by a car; it gave birth to one spectacular child. It survived a couple of blood transfusions and two complete hip replacements. And despite the injuries, it managed to travel all over the United States and parts of Europe. I marvel at how my body still works, and I’m forever grateful that it does. (This is why I get so damned mad at the fashion magazine editors and advertisers who keep telling me there’s something wrong with my body — just because it isn’t 30-something anymore.)
Age spots aside, what you’ll notice most after turning 50 is that you become more philosophical, less hurried. You’ll care care more about things that matter in the long run â deep relationships; good health. You’ll get wise to the advertising and marketing tricksters, and you won’t be as influenced by the trendy or the superficial. You might watch a lot less television and read whatever intrigues you, not just the books Oprah endorses, or the ones that make the best-seller lists. Hopefully, too, you’ll start wearing clothes that work for you — not necessarily what’s promoted in fashion magazines. Best of all, you’ll stop seeking so much approval from others. You’ll finally trust your own opinions.
In years to come, you might start thinking about making a real difference in your community, your world. But oddly enough, awards, accolades, and celebrity won’t interest or impress you quite as much anymore. Before taking on any new assignments or volunteer work, you’ll find yourself pausing to examine your real motivations. At least that’s what happened to me after I turned 50. I found I wanted to give from the heart, not the ego. To borrow from Thoreau, I wanted to live deliberately.
For me, living deliberately has come to mean spending more time with the people I love most, and more time on the projects I love best. Since there are never enough hours in a day, this means I have to be careful before I say “yes” to anyone or anything else. One of the gifts of middle age is that we finally realize we cannot be all things to everyone — and what a relief that is!
Once you’ve crossed the threshold between 49 and 50, you’ll have to look beyond the media for authentic, mature role models. American film directors and fashion magazine editors rarely celebrate the strength, power, and beauty of older women. And the few fashion magazines that do cater to our age group still insist on using models that look closer to 35 than 55. Regardless, resist the foolish temptation to dress like your daughter or your son’s girlfriends. We must show younger women what 50 really looks like — and prove that maturity isn’t something to be ashamed of.
It helps to have older friends as you age. Older women friends will help you navigate the thornier parts of middle age, including the empty nest and suspicious mammograms. Like senior discounts and a good eye cream, they are definitely worth seeking out. When you find them, cherish them, and listen to what they have to say.
Another friend who turned 50 a few years before I did has held up a light for me every step of the way, insisting that the fifties can be wild and juicy years if you get your priorities straight. I love her attitude. âI quit being a doormat and I don’t try to please everyone,â she once told me. âI know who I am now.â
Isn’t it a shame that we have to travel through five decades to figure this out? So the thing is, you must celebrate this birthday for all the good things it represents, for being a signpost to the richly textured life ahead of you. You are a wise woman and a beautiful friend, and I’m here with you on this incredible midlife journey.
Love and Happy Birthday to you,
Cindy
*copyright 2008; by Cindy La Ferle
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While we’re on the topic of 50-something …
I was recently invited to be a blogger on a brand-new site for 50-something Moms. I’m really excited to be part of this, as it was conceived by the popular Silicon Valley Moms, who’ve launched several successful blogs around the country. As soon as the blog is officially launched, I’ll announce it here too — stay tuned!
I get annoyed when the terms “anti-aging” and “age-defying” are used to market products to women who are barely out of high school.
“We’re getting complaints from plastic surgeons,” the editor warned me. “With so many plastic surgeons and cosmetic salons as our advertisers, it’s really important that we cater to them. So I am asking you to stop writing against face lifts and other cosmetic procedures. You can keep writing about the beauty of midlife, but be sure to say that cosmetic surgery is a good option.”
