The war on wrinkles
Cindy on May 23rd, 2009
âThis is what 40 looks like. We’ve been lying so long, who would know?â â Gloria Steinem
Several years ago, the Olay company sent me a T-shirt that reads: âLove the skin you’re in.â The promotion works, like a sticky song on the radio, because I never did get that catchphrase out of my mind.
Most of my girlfriends and I have decided that drugstore creams — including Olay products — work just about as well as the hundred dollar anti-aging potions sold in better department stores. And we should know. We’ve tried them all.
None of us are superficial women. We have college degrees and graduate degrees, sturdy families, and careers we enjoy. But we’re still not sure what to make of the changing faces in our mirrors, so we keep on searching for the elixir that guarantees its promise of eternal youth. No matter how far we’ve traveled, we still regard aging as our final frontier. A cruel adversary to be conquered at any cost.
Which is odd, really, since advertising copywriters keep telling us that “we’re not getting older; we’re getting better.”
So why can’t we visit a drug store or cosmetic counter without being reminded that our faces and bodies need to be altered, repaired, firmed, smoothed, exfoliated, or lifted entirely? En route to a bottle of aspirin or shampoo, we pass beauty aisles stocked with retinoids, beta hydroxy acid peels, and other chemical formulas designed to dissolve our encroaching wrinkles and tell-tale age spots.
Women’s magazines only serve to support the notion that we’re seriously damaged and need to be fixed. (Of course, magazines are all about selling products, so who’s surprised?) Look at all those “mature” fashion models whose careers have been resuscitated to appease our aging demographic:Â They barely look a day over thirty-five. The message to middle-aged women is that it really doesn’t matter what we’ve achieved through education, experience, or sheer perseverance. If we don’t look years younger than we are, well, we don’t look good enough.
My husband tells me that men have aging angst too — although cosmetic issues don’t boggle them quite so much. He’s cool about losing his hair and leaving what’s left in its striking shade of gray. I think he looks terrific and, yes, dignified.
Then again, guys are comfortable with looking âdignified,â and I suspect it’s because we give them full permission to ripen. We don’t marginalize older men the way we marginalize older women. Most guys get on with the natural process of aging — and some of them actually seize the real privileges of maturity.
Not long before Paul Newman died, his weathered face graced the cover of a national business magazine. The photo stopped me in my tracks at a local newsstand. I was immediately struck by the depth and wisdom reflected in those famous blue eyes. And it occurred to me that aging is elegance when it’s allowed to tell its own truth.
Years ago, as a college student, I worked at the cosmetics counter of an upscale department store in suburban Detroit. I’ll never forget a customer in her late fifties (I’ll call her Mrs. Smith) who haunted our counters twice weekly for the ultimate anti-aging cream. She remains an eerie icon of the woman I don’t want to become.
Married to a wealthy businessman, Mrs. Smith was terrified of aging. She’d had several facelifts and other surgical procedures, yet she looked like a sad marionette, a caricature of her younger self. Chronically disappointed, she often came back to the store to return the creams that âdidn’t work.â
Ever so tactfully, we all tried to explain that cosmetics could enhance maturing beauty — but they couldn’t totally reverse the handiwork of Mother Time. But Mrs. Smith didn’t love the skin she was in, and I swear she kept our whole department in business that year. — Cindy La Ferle
– For more columns of special interest to women at midlife, please visit the “MIDPOINT columns” archives at right, under Categories.–
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:18 am
love the photo of GS. It really gives a visual to what you say. She’s every bit as wise and gorgeous as Newman was on Newsweek’s cover…
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
Cindy, this is an extraordinary line: “aging is elegance when it’s allowed to tell its own truth.” I’ve been really challenged by that, because I spent my life not paying any special attention to my face, except for maybe sunscreen. I grew up with a mother who labeled that sort of thing “vanity”. Now that I’m looking at facial lines where I’ve never seen them before, I have wondered whether I should “do something.” Fortunately, when I wonder this out loud, my husband kinda wrinkles up his nose and says, “I don’t think so” in a way that lets me know I chose the right person for this time in my life.
This is a great piece. I couldn’t agree more, and Gloria looks glorious.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
Cindy, once again you hit the nail on the head. The advertising industry wants it both ways so they appeal to the women who are aging gracefully and also to those who want to look younger. There’s a lot of money to be made. Personally, I use Olay products because I want to take care of my skin and if, in the process, it looks better then that’s a good deal. I celebrated my graying hair for fifteen years. Then this year I questioned if it was possibly keeping me from being competitive in the job market…so I have colored my hair for the first time in my life. Honestly, I do look 10+ years younger. I wish it didn’t matter but it does out there in the real world. On the other hand, Gloria Steinem has stayed true to her age, and I think she looks beautiful.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:51 am
Cindy,
Great post. I actually have a similarly themed essay I’m going to post soon — not about our looks so much but the same idea of being fixed.
So I loved this.
Keep in mind, many of those models in the glossy mags and ads are often younger than they even appear — say 18 looking 25 — so no wonder their skin is flawless. The worst of it all, though, is how the touch up the images so that even our most beautiful models, alleged icons on perfection, don’t even stand up to what we see in print.
And let there be no mistake, those cheaper products are just as good as those $100 or more… I have been reading this for years.
The secret is mostly staying out of the sun and using a good SPF, not smoking, hydrating and eating well, and using a good moisturizer.
Sadly (or luckily, depending on your situation), much of how we age is determined by genes.
In the end, I do believe beauty comes mostly from inside. And we all have an endless opportunity to dazzle with that.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:11 am
It’s such a subjective idea, looking beautiful. I think it’s important no matter the age, for women to take care of themselves with diet, exercise, fashion, spirituality, and their beauty shines through then, wrinkles or not. Embracing who we are, wherever we are in life, lends a confidence to our appearance that is unequaled.
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I agree, Joanne — beauty is subjective. So many of the images we’re “fed” are Hollywood’s (and Madison Avenue’s) dream of how American women “should” look.
Ellen, many of the mature models I’m writing about are in their fifties — Christie Brinkley, for example. Jacklyn Smith, for another. They’ve had “work done” and they are not typical examples of most women my age.
I’ve said it before in previous columns and articles I’ve written, and will repeat here: Europeans have a much healthier attitude toward aging. They revere and celebrate women of a certain age, and they are more concerned with skin “care” than cosmetic cover-up. I’ve seen it firsthand, and it’s pretty impressive. Americans are stuck in the old “Barbie” mode.
One more thing: Sharon, I think you look super with the darker hair, and I am glad you colored it! I color my hair too, and want to be a wild and crazy old lady with red hair. I do think we ought to leave room to enjoy “decorating” ourselves, no matter how old or young we are. I don’t mean to imply that we shouldn’t have fun with cosmetics or hair color, if that’s our thing …. The word “fun” is the key, at any age. — CL
May 24th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Just catching up with your wonderful columns, Cindy! There’s a theme going on here — perfect weddings, perfect parenting, perfect beauty. All a myth and oh so boring. (the myth, NOT your columns!)
One woman I know has taken such care to keep her face unlined and untanned (no surgery) that it looks strangely embryonic. Another just had “some work” done. Her upper lip no longer when she speaks. Reminds me of the Simpsons, you know how their upper lips kind of swoop up?
I have my potions and lotions and am making peace with the subtle and not so subtle changes. I noticed last night that my KNEES were wrinkling! However, I never would have notices if I hadn’t been doing a yoga stretch and was bent over, palms to floor.
I think we should all go to France, where women “d’un certain age” are celebrated, and whose maturity is seen as beautiful and sexy.
Or let’s just keep those French women in mind.
What’s at the bottom of their “je ne sais quoi”?
They know that looking good is a state of mind and is found within themselves, not within a bottle!
May 25th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I have been wrestling with this same issue for several years. I do not “love the skin I’m in” but wonder if it’s me– or the marketing messages that are crammed down our throats ever where we turn by models in their 20s. I’m still not sure who and what I’m supposed to be/look at 50-something, but I’m glad to see other women are writing and thing about the same issues. Another GREAT post. Thanks Cindy!
May 27th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
All I can do is sigh …. and keep fighting my vanity. I work on acceptance everyday- So many great points!
May 27th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Last Saturday when I brought my 2 kids to our friend-haircutter, she showed me a Chanel cream that sells for $500. ( I don’t think I can ever spend that much money on a cream). But she said her customer who uses it recently looks younger. (Fortunately I don’t have $500 to spend on a facial cream)
Women and men do look younger when they present themselves better. Men do have some “rituals” that keep them in-shape and looking fit. If you look good, you feel better, too, don’t you think?
When I’m feeling depressed for whatever reasons, I put on make-up and dress better. It just takes some of the worries away and when I’m happier, I do look younger.
So I think the best cream is happiness and love. For some reason, when we’re happy and we’re in-love we seem to look younger.
May 28th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Love the skin you’re in … love the body you’re in … love the hair you’re in … love the nose you’re in … love the breasts you’re in … love the hips you’re in … love the toes you’re in (growing up, my best friend and I used to compare our toes to decide whose were prettier – she won!)
It’s a tall order. I’m batting .500.
Thought-provoking post, Cindy! Thank you.
May 29th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Wow — I’ve so enjoyed all the comments this post has generated. Clearly, we’re all wrestling with this issue in some way. Jenjen, I agree with what you wrote about feeling better when we take care of ourselves. (I think that aspect of good grooming gets lost amidst the aging issue.)
And Joanna Jenkins left a good comment about marketing/advertising and how this impacts the way we feel about ourselves.
Recently, a friend and I were talking about how we rarely purchase a fashion magazine anymore — which is totally unlike the way we were when we were in our twenties and couldn’t get enough of them! On the one hand, I’ve lost interest in magazines because they make me feel I’m “less than” if I don’t look like I’m 35 or 40. On the other hand, I also feel I’ve gained confidence in my OWN style, my OWN look, which is no longer dependent on the whims of the fashion gods. Now that I’m a grown-up, I don’t need to read magazines to tell me how to look, or, for that matter, how to live my life now. That leaves more time for other, bigger things.
–Cindy La Ferle