Cindy La Ferle’s Home Officea window on the writing life

Black hole relationships

Cindy on February 15th, 2009

“It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.” — Oscar Wilde

When my son was a child, I often volunteered to help at his small parochial school. I supervised Valentine’s Day parties, traced Halloween pumpkins, carpooled for field trips, and baked countless cookies for fundraisers. In the process, I formed some warm and lasting friendships with the other volunteer moms. Except for one.

There was one mom who just didn’t like me — a mom who had a knack for making me feel like a social misfit in Mean Girls. I never figured out why. Sometimes I’d try to extend my hand in friendship, but she remained as chilly as the Eskimo Pies we handed out to the fourth graders on Ice Cream Day. It’s possible that I reminded her of an unforgivable person who’d wounded her in the past. Or maybe I said or did something to offend her. Whatever it was, my transgression remains a mystery.

Even if you’ve never been a homeroom mom, you know exactly I mean. You’ve probably got at least one social nemesis.

The woman who doesn’t like you might be the tetchy neighbor who criticizes your perennial beds or the paint color you chose for the front door.  Or she’s the toxic relative who snubs you at family barbecues. And how about that envious co-worker who can’t bring herself to pay a compliment on your new blazer or congratulate you on your hard-won promotion? No matter what you say or do, you’ll never win these people over. Even when you’re as sweet as key lime pie, they’ll refuse to sit at the table of your friendship.

Sue Patton Thoele calls them “the black holes” in our personal universe. Thoele is the author of a book of inspirational essays I keep at my bedside, A Woman’s Book of Soul: Meditations for Courage, Independence & Spirit, (Conari Press). In one of the essays, Thoele recalls an awkward time when she wasn’t hitting it off with two women in her own social circle.

“The energy I put out to these women was merely absorbed as if it had disappeared into a black hole and none came back to me,” she explains. As a psychotherapist, Thoele understood that we all tend to project our unconscious feelings onto other people. She knew that the qualities we find annoying in others are often the same ones we dislike in ourselves. But it wasn’t even that complicated. The cold-shouldered women in her circle were simply the wrong candidates for her friendship.

“If we’re saddled with the belief that everyone needs to like us in order for us to be acceptable — or that we should be able to be friends with anyone — we cause ourselves a lot of pain,” Thoele explains. “We’re simply ‘energetic misses’ with some people.”

When I was a lot younger, I’d spend months trying to figure out why some relationships fly while others can’t seem to get off the ground. I struggled to understand why a simple case of envy can boil over until it scalds and spoils what might have developed into a mutually supportive alliance.

And I’m still in awe of the fact that most men, like my husband, rarely waste time wondering why some people don’t like them. They shake hands and move on. Women, however, tend to lose sleep devising ways to appease or impress folks who needn’t count so much. We work hard to avoid conflict and maintain the status quo, often at our own expense.

I know now that healthy relationships are reciprocal — a graceful dance of give-and-take. When I find myself feeling snubbed, neglected, used, or short-changed, I’ve probably stumbled into Black Hole Territory. I trust my intuition and quietly bow out.

Being authentic, after all, is a requirement for true friendship. Being authentic means that we fully own who we are — and stop trying to adapt to what others might expect of us. It can take years to arrive at that place. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. Meanwhile, it’s liberating to give up the notion that everyone has to uphold my political beliefs or religious convictions. It’s a relief to realize that even my closest friends and I won’t always share the same taste in books, movies, restaurants, or fashion.

I’ve finally realized, too, that there’s no shame in the fact that a few of the people I meet aren’t going to like me. And as long as I remain civil, I’m entitled to reciprocate the feeling. – Cindy La Ferle

Tags: A Woman's Book of Soul, culture, etiquette, friendship, health and emotional wellness, midlife, personal growth, relationships, social manners, Sue Patton Thoele, women and friendship, women at midlife
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