Boundaries
Cindy on July 27th, 2008
“Good fences make good neighbors.” — Robert Frost
A few blocks away, one of our neighbors is building a low stone wall at the edge of his front yard. Watching this labor of love and muscle — something you don’t often see here in the suburbs — I’m reminded of childhood summers when my parents took me on road trips to historic sites in New England. I remember miles of curvy pastoral roads lined with rambling fieldstone walls.
Guarding old cemeteries or defining a landowner’s property, those venerable stone borders still foster an unshakable sense of integrity even today — though some are barely tall enough, or sturdy enough, to avert serious trespassers. Sections of the walls date back to the American Revolution, when our country was in the process of defining its own boundaries.
Everyone needs boundaries. Just as we crave connection, there are times when we need to draw invisible lines between “us and them.” Healthy personal boundaries help us define our space and protect our individuality — even as we form our cherished communities. Healthy personal boundaries remind us that we have a right to privacy; that not everyone should have access to us at all times.
It’s no secret that women, especially mothers, have a tougher time setting limits. We’re not always comfortable articulating our own needs or preferences. We’re hard-wired to yield and nurture — to bow to the needs and wishes of others. Regardless, when we who are becomes entangled with what other people think or expect of us, our boundaries blur.
To rebuild or strengthen boundaries, we must learn the difference between being responsive to the legitimate needs of others and letting them take advantage of us. We must learn that we cannot say “yes” to every request, no matter how worthy. Boundaries provide the breathing space we need to fill our own emptiness, ultimately making it easier to offer our support or a listening ear when the time is right.
Today, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, most of us are overconnected and overextended. We’re presented with more career options and social opportunities than we have time to schedule. As more demands are placed on us at home and work, it’s even more essential to set reasonable limits, and to respect others for doing the same. — Cindy La Ferle
July 27th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
What a fantastic way of putting this, and so true, Cindy. I like the idea of building my own “low stone fence” to mark my personal boundaries–it doesn’t have to be 8 feet high and totally block my view or scare people away with barbed wire in order to serve as a reminder. Thanks for the post!
July 27th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Yes! It does seem to be getting harder to keep our boundaries, so much calling for our attention. But, if we don’t set the boundaries for ourselves, no one will. Taking good care of ourselves and our needs is when we can be at our best for those around us. Being tired and cranky isn’t offering the best of ourselves
July 27th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
This is a beautiful essay about outer and inner boundaries. We’ve always had a low stone wall to mark the line between our property and our neighbor. We didn’t build either one but respect the boundary each signifies and appreciate the effort it took to build each one. If only inner boundaries were so clearly marked and easily understood.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:17 am
“…when we who are becomes entangled with what other people think or expect of us, our boundaries blur.”
Cindy, that is the most cogent definition of codependency that I’ve read. Well said!
July 31st, 2008 at 8:55 am
Lovely post. I adore stone-work. Buildings, streets, fences… So beautiful.